resolutions and being a girl.. or something.

As we arrive at new years once again (which for the record is one of my least favorite holidays) I have a lot of things on my mind. I love going online and seeing best of posts on all the different sites I check out and looking back articles that circulate this time of year. Then there’s also those resolutions and everyone’s advice and ideas and how to keep them etc etc. I love and hate the idea of resolutions. I feel like 90% of ladies always make their resolutions “I’m going to eat less, workout more and lose weight”. I’d be lying to you if that wasn’t on my list as well. I always have problems with this idea. As a feminist I want to sit here and say things like I love your body, love the skin your in etc etc. as a self-hating low self esteem chubby girl in the modern era I want to say things like the only people who say shit like that are people who are already skinny or use it as a justification for their weight. I can’t decide where I stand. I’m constantly torn between reality and my angry brain-mess, which is how I’m sure a lot of people feel. On one hand I do believe everyone should love themselves and feel comfortable in their bodies. But it’s also really easy to love the skin your in when everyone finds you sexy and classically beautiful. For the rest of us outliers, it’s kind of a free for all. The media (which is so easy to blame) shoves skinny bitches down our throat and magazines show us tiny twigs and call people skinny ladies curvy. Adele, she’s curvy, Jennifer Hudson was curvy (and personally I liked her before all the weight loss) but that’s just about it most “plus size models” are barely size 12 get real…. Not all of us are blessed in the chest with tiny waists and junk in the trunk. Some of us are less curvy and more cottage cheese in a pair of panty hose. But I digress what I’m trying to say is… there is still this idea/standard of beauty for what is acceptable in curvy ladies.

Something I like about morocco is how liberating it is sometimes to not be thinking about how I look. People want and expect me to wear loose fitting clothes 2 sizes too big, mumu’s and actively under-emphasize my body. It doesn’t take much to be sexy to men here; you’re an American woman! Instant win….  Doesn’t matter how I look honestly, also I do dress differently then women here, because if I didn’t I would go crazy. Women here are mostly bigger, junk in the trunk curvy ladies, who constantly insist on calling me fat. Yeah. So on one hand, yay! I get to wear comfy clothes all day, but then they turn around and call me fat. Wtf. To be honest though, people say “you’re fat in this picture” in the same way someone in the states might say “your hair looks long in this picture”. It’s not so much an insult. Or at least I hope it isn’t…

On the flip side of being able to wear xxl t-shirts and feeling legit is that some days I just feel unattractive and dumpy and the day in day out of pj wearing makes me feel trashy and sad. I would love to pull out my big girl bra, throw on a fun dress put on make up and feel sexy. If wore a sexy outfit around my site I think I would be run out of town, and adversely if I wore a sexy outfit in a city like Marrakech I would probably be harassed to the point of tears. So long story short it’s not worth it.

Being in a country without constant media bombardment, access to television and hit or miss internet has made me kind of complacent about my body. I don’t have a mirror in my house. I don’t go clothes shopping often (therefore avoiding seeing my full form in three mirrors in fitting rooms), I don’t feel like I need to impress anyone and I don’t have any reason to ever dress up. Another thing that I like about morocco is how little access I have to junk food. Sometimes when I travel I treat myself to some Pringles and snickers, but really all I eat in the way of heavily processed food is laughing cow triangle cheese, which in the grand scheme of things isn’t the worst thing for you. As a result of these things I have become sort of complacent about my weight and my health. I do teach an aerobics class 4 times a week (depending on if people come) so that means I’m a tiny bit active but to be honest I have never been so inactive in my life. I hate to admit it but I’m a gym person, so I find it difficult to motivate myself without having a designated time and place to work out. I know I like working out, I know I like being active, I can tell my body is unhappy, and my muscles have all turned to mush, but I’ve just become kind of lazy. So this is where I come back around to the resolution thing. I think at the end of the day a resolution shouldn’t be about losing weight or looking better, I think it’s best if it’s about being healthy and being better. Love the skin you’re in if you feel like you deserve  it- right now I feel like I don’t.

So here are my resolutions
-       eat better/as many veggies as possible
-       finish all craft projects I start
-       do well in teaching my classes
-       be the best I can and enjoy my time here in morocco, because I know the time will fly.
-   read more

As you, dear readers, are deciding on your resolutions I would recommend doing either broad “ways to better my life” items or really specific and achievable goals. Ladies, you’re not going to lose 30 lbs by march…. Or at least you shouldn’t… guys. You’re not going to look like a calvin klein model by march either. At the end of the day a resolution should be something you can realistically do for 12 months. My friend lucia gives each year a definer, she does it on her birthday, but you could do it on new years if you want. This is my year of doing more. You could do the year of adventure, the year of introspection, the year of me, the year of love… whatever you want! Just use it as a way to push yourself to be better and maybe do different things.

So.. that is all for now. I have internet for 2 months, because there was a promotion that gave me 2 months for the price of 1… it’s very exciting. So… feel free to email me/skype me/chat me… I’ll be around! 

long time no write.

 Sorry dear internets that I have been so absent as of late. I’ve been out and about (read out of my home site) for a while. First there was the Training of Trainers for those of us lucky PCV’s who were going to be coordinating spring camps here ( I was a coordinator). That was up north in the wonderful city of Mohammedia. After the training I only had a few days until I had to be at my spring camp so me and a few other volunteers took time in Casablanca and took a little hiatus from Morocco and went to the Morocco Mall. The Morocco Mall was a trip- it felt like any other mall I’ve ever been too, but almost in a way where it was trying harder then any other mall. There was a two-story fish tank and a huge food court where I got to indulge in Starbucks, sushi, and tofu fries. I also got some really great new clothes, a couple of cardigans and 2 new shirts, getting new clothes is always fun and also a way to feel “more normal”. It was also nice to eat some food I don’t really know how to make myself. (I also love sushi so so much, and tofu! I miss tofu so much). The Morocco Mall was a nice sejour, but it was also really nice to return back to Morocco.

sushi and starbucks... YUM! i put my vanilla latte in my hands and just smelled it for a while. it was wonderful

the big fish tank in the Morocco mall- it's two stories high!

Hassan II mosque in Casablanca

In front of a big door at Hassan II mosque

vegetables being poured out for a daily souk in casa

After the Morocco Mall I headed to the ‘green city’of Benslimane to work at spring camp. Spring camp here is a week long excitement where us PCV’s are responsible for English classes as well as what is called “clubs”. Not all camps are created equal some PCV’s were responsible only for English classes, some volunteers were responsible for every moment of programming every single day. I felt really privileged because I had a great Moroccan staff, and a really energetic PCV helping me along the way. The kids were rough the second week around but I gave them a strict talking to on the second day in and things got a little bit better.

the girls from the first week dressed up for the moroccan wedding

me and my fellow PCV with the "happy couple"

creepy zoo/amusement park we went to the second week

a snapshot of the camp schedule. 

Spring camp was hard in a lot of ways but a huge part of it was that I was out of site for so long. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not a picky eater, but week three into not eating my own food is rough sauce. Don’t get me wrong the food at my camp was great, however, not the way I prefer to eat (for example, I like my spaghetti with sauce, and the sauce not to have meat balls in it, or I prefer a sandwich with more then lettuce and tomato on it). Camp was pretty exciting though. There was a lot of singing, dancing extremely loud music and even a fake Moroccan wedding! By the end of week two I was tired, burned out and absolutely ready to go home.

After being away for so long it’s been kind of hard to get the momentum up for my classes. I’ve been having a lot of difficulty with attendance which, since the end of April has dwindled down to more or less nothing. The kids are getting ready for the baccalaureate tests (like a way more awful SAT’s) and end of the year exams so they’re way more worried about spending as much time as they can studying and not attending my supplemental English classes. The Netti/woman’s center where I try to go during the afternoon is also winding down, I’ve heard rumor that they’re going to be closed once school is over so slowly but surely the places where I interact with people are getting smaller and less frequent. Peace Corps knows that work more or less disappears come summer time, so they have activities such as SOS camps (for orphan villages) and summer camp programs that happen in coastal cities. I’m looking forward to maybe doing some work somewhere else, but I’m also planning a vacation home to America for my friends Tina and Jon’s wedding, so I don’t want to be caught in a position where I would be out of my community for over  a month.

If life was exciting and fast paced before (which it really wasn’t) things definitely aren’t now. At the end of the slow hot summer I will emerge one year into leaving America, and that is crazy. As I’ve talked about before Morocco/Peace Corps time is a lot like Camp time, a day can be eternally long and be gone in a blink simultaneously. It’s a little disorienting sometimes, but helpful in others. I’ve already started experiencing the famous Moroccan heat, it held at 95 degrees all last week, I’ve been telling people that “it never gets this hot where I’m from, and it’s only May!” they laugh and I can see in their eyes that they pity me, because after a lifetime of summers in New England I do not have the history, adaptation or experience to deal with the summer that is about to explode it’s hot breath into my life.

Another challenge for my current life/lifestyle is the fact that for reasons I’m not entirely clear of the water in my town is off more or less most of the time. I have a few theories. 1) if you leave the water in the pipes, soon it will be so hot that the water will just start to evaporate. I made sun tea the other day and after a day in the sun the glass was too hot to handle without a towel and the water was steaming hot. 2) the government in my town isn’t consistent about paying neighboring towns to encourage consistent water supply 3) conservation. I don’t really know I’m assuming that as  with all things the lack of water is a combination of many factors. I’ve bought enough water bottles and water jug to make it around 2.5 days before things get real. (Also after 2.5 days I will still not have showered so that’s another hitch in the giddy-up). Whenever the water is on I’m diligent about refilling the 6 litre bottles I leave in my fridge and the 4 5L bottles and water jug I have nestled in the corner. I’m hoping to use this as a learning opportunity as to how much water I really need to survive, and how much water you really need to perform certain tasks. I’m a terrible person and I’m definitely the kind of dish washer that just leaves the water running the whole time, that life, my dear friends, is no more.

The longer I live alone the more I love it. This month alone, even with the decline of good-looking vegetables I have started getting more creative in the kitchen. I made my first Moroccan style Tagine with some potatoes and beans and carrots. I made my own lemonade, and watermelon-cucumber juice and then combined the two into ice-pops for one of the unbearable days I will see in my future (there isn’t such a thing as ice cream in my town). I also have started making my own salad dressing (I’ve gotten good a  spicy garlic mustard vinaigrette that I love to put over beets and bean salads). I also made my crowning achievemens-was vermicelli noodles, braised collard greens with garlic covered with a thai style peanut sauce- kids I’m in love. As long as I can get greens or peanuts this dish is going to become a regular in my kitchen. I gave a session to the new group of trainees this week about emotional health and one of the coping mechanisms I encouraged them to try out was cooking, I’m going to take my own advice to heart and even though it will be so hot I wont want to do much of cooking or eating, I’m going to try my best to discover fun summer dishes that will keep me healthy and satisfied. I will also be inheriting an electric oven this week which I am thrilled about! So get ready to see some quiche’s and home baked bread in my future.

This update is way long overdue  and I apologize. I avoided updating because I wasn’t feeling 100% like I said in my last post the combination of my foot getting fractured, my 26^th bday, 6 months in site then spring camp made for a blended up cocktail of not-ideal emotions. I try to avoid projecting my negativity out and about, and I felt that sentiment also applied to a string of complaints on my blog. Also because I took so long this blog entry was kind of hard to write.  You know when you finally get to talk to someone on the phone after a long while and you realize you have no idea what to update them on because so much stuff has passed, but now it seems like a trivial and distant memory, then you end up just sitting there with nothing to say.  That’s kind of how I feel about this blog post, even though I managed to get it to be 3 pages long in my word document.

I will also put it out there, dear readers that for a good part of the summer I’m going to be minimizing my internet consumption. The service in my site was shoddy at best, and now the company I was using is charging by bandwith and not by time, which made an already shitty investment an even shittier one. I realize for my emotional health I can’t spend my days looking at people posting about their summers (read I can’t emotionally handle watching people update about camp and me not being there) so instead of torturing myself I’m going to only use internet once or twice a week at the cyber café’s. I’m going to try and update my blog regularly but as a result I will not be available for skype regularly, so if you want to do that you should call my Moroccan cell phone with a skype subscription or email me a week ahead to set up a skype date. I’m hoping this summer will be an opportunity to read more books, work on more crafts and do some solid cooking and not a time to wallow in self-pity and longing for my friends and campers enjoying the cool breezes off of the waterfront. Enjoy the pictures as well as the link to my peace corps cribs video that gives you all a virtual tour of my home. 

my x-ray of my foot! my first broken bone ever

a compilation of some of the rides at the weird zoo we went to on our field trip at camp

i think it says in arabic to watch out because they'll bite off you're fingers ;)

the moroccan flag

on our way to spring camp training our bus broke down!

the week before spring camp my orange tree bloomed. it smelled so nice! then i had to leave by the time i got back all the flowers had died.

My peace corps cribs video! 

morocco round 2

 Hello all,

So here is my update way long overdue. To be fair, I do not have internet readily available. My host family has internet, but the concept of typing it on a French keyboard would be painful to both me and you all, so I decided it was better to wait.

This update took a lot of time I’ll have you know, mostly because the internet here at the welcoming center is very slow, especially considering there’s about 40 other pcv’s who are desperate for internet.

Things are going really well here. For those of you who didn’t know training happened in the city Fes, and while most of the other PCV’s headed off to other towns and cities in the surrounding area I got selected to be the guinea pig group for the first time in the city of Fes. Fes is a city of about 1-2 million people depending on where you look and who you’re talking too. I live in the neighborhood of zohour which is very busy. I live right off a street that has a market (known as souq) every day from about 4-12am. It gets noisy. There's a picture below with explanations so you can see the differences.  Things start picking up around 4:30- people selling vegetables and fruit out of the back of little flatbeds attached to motorcycle or these two wheeled pushed tables. The fruits and vegetables here are great. I love them so much. There are so many new things to try and taste- my favorite fruit is definitely a cactus fruit called Hendia- it’s green and sweet and incredible juicy. The only downside is there’s a ton of seeds, you just have to ignore them. In general there’s a ton of fresh fruits and vegetables here, and although the food is often based around or cooked with meat, it’s been very easy being a vegetarian here.  You, the audience at home, can make a very easy Moroccan dish! We had it last night and it was delicious; take rice, raisins, sliced apples and banana’s, and cut up dates and put them cold in the bowl then blend up 1 large avocado 2 small banana’s and a liter of milk then blend them up with a decent amount of sugar then pour that over the rice and fruit mixture. Yum. I plan on making this in the summer but adding some more stuff like nuts and maybe strawberries.

The food here is fantastic and the coolest thing about it all is that at meals everyone eats from one communal dish, more often then not without utensils. You use your right hand only though, because with Turkish toilets, you use your left hand to do your business. (I am luckily enough to have a western toilet in my house though). I am also in carbo-overload, they do not shy away from bread- known as xubz- my host mom makes ours herself, but we usually run out faster then she can make it, and it’s really easy to buy more right outside our door. Since I’ve been here I’ve helped make a biscotti type cookie, as well as help the upstairs neighbors make peanut butter ball cookies for an upcoming wedding.

My days are mostly occupied by language classes where I’m learning Dirija (Moroccan Arabic) Shwiya beh shwiya- or little by little as they say here. There’s a lot of consonants placed together in this language (take the verb to work for an example- xdm) so it’s part luck, part memorization and part slaving your mouth into making the sounds. I am really excited to be learning another language, but man was it easier when I was 16. The best part for me so far is learning the Arabic script. It’s been a dream of mine to learn Arabic since 2002- so I’m using this opportunity to at least get the alphabet under my belt. Besides language classes, there’s a lot of sitting in the living room studying, procrastinating studying and going out shopping with my host mom for dinner supplies. I’m looking forward to upcoming Sundays off where I can hopefully travel to other Peace corps volunteers sites and visit somewhere besides Fes. Don’t get me wrong, Fes is great , but it’s nice to see somewhere less urban then this big city. Last weekend going to Sefrou with my family was definitely a breath of fresh air, no car horns, kids crying or yelling neighbors below. Also getting to walk around amongst trees was an incredible soul rejuvenation.

I worked really hard to not have expectations when coming over to Morocco, which is good, but it was hard not to. Expectations are hard to live up to, and so far I don’t know if my expectations can even fit into my experience here. Morocco is way more developed then I had imagined a peace corps country would be.  I have access to  western toilets, American television, washing machines, let alone the running water and electricity. Don’t get me wrong I really love Morocco- I love the food, the music, the clothes, the colors and all the new things I’m going to get to do here, but at the same time I was hoping for something…. Quieter is maybe the word I’m going for. I’m looking forward to getting my full time site (fingers crossed a smaller town or city).  All in all, I am 97.99% excited to be here and loving it, but every once in a while, but while I sit in my bed hearing car horns- I would trade anything for the sound of sheep, donkeys, crickets or chickens. And kids, that’s why you don’t go into situations with expectations, because even though 97.99% of the time I am 110% pumped about being here and all that I’m going to do,  that 2.1% is still there.

Anyways. Moving on to pictures! Here they are, with even more words underneath. Whew.

me and my roomates from training, kim, sarah and myself

 even in a city of 1 million people seeing donkeys or horses on the street is fairly common here in fes, as is seeing people riding double on mopeds with kids babies and even german shepards.

 gary and rachel at the cafe across the street from the youth center (dar shabab) where we drink our qhwah or coffee during breaks in our language classes.

the view from our classroom, a typical day

 the view from my street at around 12  in the afternoon

 the view at 4:30- this isn't even considered crowded yet the area on the right fills in way more with guys selling fruits and veg

 my host aunt took me to her sisters house in the next town over called Sefrou- a huge difference between fes and here. Sefrou was so quiet! It was a great day! we went to her house (which was gorgeous) and had delicious food and she gave me a modern jlaba. We had a very relaxing day where we looked out over the city then went down to the waterfall. The coolest thing about my host aunt who lives in Sefrou is that she is the president of a woman's artisan partnership and has all of these looms in her basement.

loom in her basement!

There are about 42 women who participate and make all sorts of things, blankets, rugs and shawls. She makes all the dyes herself using plants. I got to try making this rug, which wasn't hard, but I couldn't imagine making a huge rug, time consuming for sure. 

me at the waterfall in Sefrou in my new jlaba. funny story: it's pretty common for men to harass women here and hamdullah (thanks god) i've been fairly lucky, almost being completely void of harassment, instead I get these crazy stares. I decided that I would be all integrated like and wear my jlaba to class the day after I got it- lo and behold, the first and only time I've been harassed. I thought that was funny. 

 my host father fouad and my host sister zineb.

zineb, she's two and adorable. I have two other host brothers, Youssef and Abdelqdr, but they occupy themselves more often then not with watching tv or playing games online, so I don't see all that much of them. They are very nice though. Also my host mom and dad are amazing. My host mother is an amazing cook and it's been fun getting to know here and hang out with her (speaking in french, not dirija. )

so.. now that i've made this blog post unbearably long, congrats if you've read this far. I promise I'll update more often from here on out, because it's time consuming for both me and you, also there's more stuff I would love to share that I have left out to spare this becoming even more rambly and long. so here's the first real update from morocco! i look forward to the rest of my time here.