cranky doubt, and frustration

 This is a record breaking week. I’ve decided to write another blog post just for shits and giggles. Mostly bc I want to share with ya’ll how im feeling. As a warning this post might be mildly self deprecating, so apologies.

So a few things. First of all. Today I wore these baggy ass harem pants, a long baggy bathing suit cover up and got tons of compliments. I mean honestly, it is probably one of the frumpiest outfits I have ever put together. But it was a big hit. Now the outfit that I put together yesterday that I thought was super cute… not  a word. Sometimes morocco is so unpredictable.

So as you all may or may not know every week I teach (or attempt to teach) at the student boarding house, where middle and high school aged kids stay during the week if their homes are too far away to commute in to the schools every morning. So. This is a ROUGH group of kids to teach. In my opinion I think a group of teens and pre-teens living together 6 days a week with minimal entertainment or adult supervision is bound to be a recipe for disaster, or at least a weird psychological make up in kid.  The boarding house is like a summer camp without any of the programming, ie just a bunch of kids living on bunkbeds in a room together. The craziest part is that I sought out the work there, no one asked me this year I scheduled myself into this.  Every week I think… it’s going to be easier, it’s going to be a better class, and it never is. Never. I question my judgment, my choices, my ideas, my abilities and my sanity.  Every week I have to fight and fight and fight and deal with non-stop shenanigans. Last week when for the third week running I was telling the middle schoolers they couldn’t come into my class one of them bit my finger. Motherfucker bit my finger, not hard, but still. Then this week he had the balls to tell me I wasn’t at the youth center when his class time is, which I was, I most definitely was. SHENANIGANS! I try to make a habit of not swearing in my classes but sometimes those words just tumble out of me unbidden, because at times there are no other words left.  The thing that does make me feel better is that I’m not the only PCV that has trouble controlling the chaos in the classroom.

 I have tried all sorts of tricks but nothing seems to work. One of the biggest battles is that I have become more strict on when I close the door and don’t let students in anymore, (because come on, you sleep, eat, and study less then 50 feet from the classroom –I  also announce a 2 minute (which is more like 5 minute) warning and a 1 minute warning, and then give another 10 minute lee-way before I close the door, which even taking in account the cultural perception of time here I think is more than generous). But without fail every week the same kids come late, then throw a fit, beg and plead, bang on the closed door, make pouty faces and just generally cause a ruckus and a general disruption. Its become common-place for kids to throw rocks at the thankfully high windows, and this week a girl even managed to break one, good job kid!  For the third week running you came late to class, for the third week running I told you come on time next week, and for the third week running you’ve interrupted the students who were able to come on time. Pain. In. my. Ass.

Also another totally unhelpful thing regarding time is for some unknown reason dinner has moved from 7:30 until 8 and then the kids have barely started eating until 8:15 which means that I’m teaching past 9pm. In my community you never see any ladies out after a certain hour. It is pretty unacceptable or unheard of for a woman to be out alone after a certain time of night unless it’s Ramadan. I wasn’t able to take the girls out of the student house compound  and go 30 feet away to the youth center because they’re girls and the sun is down, or something. I’m not 100% sure why but there’s definitely a culture here about having lady bits and being out after a certain time. I luckily fit into a grey area, because I’m not from morocco, but after a certain time it’s not just that I’m the only woman out and about I’m close to the only person out and a bout. So as a result while I’m pulling out my hair trying to get through a simple lesson, it could possibly effect my reputation around town.

When things get tough in the classroom it’s hard not to question my skills. I’m not an ESL teacher and as a result I’m often making shit up and pulling things out of my ass. I’ve been really up front and clear that I don’t know English grammar, kids say a verb tense or something and I say “I don’t know” “you probably know more then me. It’s legit I’m an English speaker, so that’s what I teach, speaking, listening and writing, not grammar, and I think it’s legit that I don’t know it.  I’ve been really blessed with an amazing and unique set of job opportunities, but in that uniqueness is a little bit its downfall, because besides the stuff I hear from the kids themselves or my co-workers/peers I have had zero feedback or observation on whether or not I’m actually good at what I’m trying to do, namely teaching. When I get stuck in these situations where week after week I’m fighting and trying I can’t help but wonder is it me?

 During my peace corps service it’s been really hard to know whether or not no one is coming because it’s not important to them, or  is it me, am I just a bad teacher? It’s legitimately impossible to know for sure (that is unless when the new volunteer gets here  and she has solid attendance or something, but even then it’s kind of unclear my time here has allowed her to do). With all the time I have to think and think and over-think and re-think and analyze and over-analyze then start over again as it’s easy to get wrapped up in maybe’s,  shoulda, coulda,woulda’s and what ifs- so I’ve tried my best to stop before it spirals out of control, or I harp on anything in particular, because at the end of the day those sorts of thoughts don’t add anything but except negative value to my life. It’s just every week when I leave the student house with a sore throat, tired, frustrated, fed up and not believing an hour can feel so long I can’t help but wonder.

To end on a positive note, while these kids are rough sauce in the structure of the classroom I have a lot of fun hanging out and just talking, or playing games or just being my ridiculous self. I often end up doing “the monkey dance” (as many of us PCVls like to call it, ie someone says dance, and we dance, someone says sing, so we sing etc etc). This place is where I experience some of my most affirming moments in my service. It’s a hard contrast to go from a heart opening, soul warming, and laughter filled afternoon to classroom filled with frustration, anger, and sadness.

So here’s this post, maybe I’ll start updating more often, maybe with just a little bit from my day. My observations etc. 

i found this in my classroom one day a while back, it says "i love you michelle"  so... maybe i'm not all bad ;)

birthdays and obsessions and my terrible super power.

Happy birthday to me!! It’s been a crazy 12 months. Fast and slow all at the same time. This time last year I had just fractured a bone in my foot and didn’t know it, I was limping around, about to head to spring camp. In all honestly not a lot has changed since last year, my foot still hurts, I’m still not in shape, I still don’t do yoga everyday. This is not to say that tings aren’t good. I’m feeling content, established, happy most of the time, most days feel awesome but I still apprehensive and sometimes nervous about things such as my foot, my place here in my tiny town, how my service is going altogether, what I’m going to do in 8 months when I return home… the list can go on and on but who knows? It’s best to focus on what is good and generally speaking life is all around pretty good. My classes are going pretty well, and this week I enter a new chapter in my service when my new site mate arrives, so that’s exciting. I should also mention my list of accomplishments a little, non-work related I’ve made a ton of craft projects in the last 12 months and learned how to make some really good food.

Birthdays are really weird, I’ve always liked celebrating my birthday, but I’ve learned that unless you’re around a group of good friends, birthdays can be pretty dismal or sad. I’ve had a wide range of birthdays in my adult life, going from awesome get togethers with my closest, to mental breakdowns, to a nice gesture from my co-workers in letting me use the company van to drive out to get tasty vegan food. The best birthdays to me involve good food and good friends. This year was pretty low key I spent all day finishing up a project and skypeing with my mom. Then I made myself a cheesecake, which turned out pretty well and then attempted to make gnocchi, a food I’ve never really even eaten before, so who knows if it’s any good, tastes ok to me, but I’m bored with trying to make it, way too time consuming currently, and they didn’t boil very well, so I’ve had to pan fry them. I’ve also discovered that I do in fact have a super power, the power to make a clean kitchen dirty in less then 5 minutes. It is not a fun super power to have. Nothing like making delicious food then realizing you’ve managed to make every single utensil, surface and dish not only dirty but a complete mess. Worst. Power. Ever. This is to say that my kitchen is a total disaster as I write this.

In other news I’ve become 12 year old fan girl obsessed with the british tv show Doctor Who. It’s bad news bears, but as a pcv there's lots of empty time ( and space (!)) filling the days it’s easy to fixate on something. I’ve started to say the word “rubbish” and have even begun re-integrating other bitish-isms into my current vocab that I picked up when I lived in London in college. I’ve re-watched several episodes twice in one week, which is a new development (usually I give myself a few weeks between re-watching something). I’ve become very endeared by the goofy childlike nerdiness of the character of the Doctor and just the general awesomeness of this show. I’ve always been a sci-fi and fantasy fan (having grown up on x-files, xena, captain planet and the superman show the louis and clark adventures that was once on tnt. ) so the fact that Dr Who appeals to me makes sense. Dr Who now makes its way into my repetoire of shows I’ve watched too many times- joining superstar shows like Community, Parks and Rec and The Office peppering in Modern Family, Arrested Development, and Family guy from time to time. I never really watched tv until I graduated college, and now it seems like I do it far too often- To be fair, I often watch tv while I’m working on other things like crochet or cross stitch. If I could get more audiobooks, or more effectively download podcasts I would listen to those but instead I fall into watching tv. Clearly the fact that I’m putting it in a freaking blog post should be alarming. But here I am, airing my tv obsession on my blog. But for reals, watch this clip and tell me this show isn’t awesome and perfect for me. Shenanigans…. One of my favorite words, and my favorite slang word I’ve taught to my classes.

So that’s about it for now. Life is good. I love crochet. I love Doctor Who. I love food. I do not love a dirty kitchen (and I do not love doing dishes. ) 

shenanigans quote video, for some reason i couldn't find the video through this link thingy on my blog stuff. anyways. 

helloooooo!

hello dear blog world.

i have had so many intentions this month for this blog. i had half of a blog post in word and then my hard drive got cranky and when i restarted my computer the document didn't restore.

so for this month i had been wanting to put up a video blog from my trip over a month ago to a waterfall.. that still hasn't happened.

it's been a very religious-kind of month this so far and i've wanted to write about that. still hasn't happened.

i thought it would be fun to do a food/cooking video post and i'm glad that didn't happen because in my attempt to make delicious beet carrot orange juice my blender's engine kicked it and it would have been pretty obvious to you all that my kitchen is pretty sad and i had no idea what i was doing. i have a little extra funds so i'm going to start looking for nicer blender... i wish i could get a food processor, i'm not holding my breath on that one. but i might make a video tomorrow when i do my cooking adventure. we'll see. that might not ever happen either.

I've had a  lot of luck this month and have been able to have great skype converstations/hangouts with friends and family which has been great. I love skype and I really love having internet. I don't know what's going to happen in the summer. it's possible the heat will melt my usb so we'll see.

Tomorrow i'm hoping to tidy up my house some more, and then make a shit ton of food. this week at souk (market) there were a lot of vegetables, i got really really lucky and was able to get LETTUCE! i'm so excited Most of the time I don't mind the things I can and cannot get in terms of vegetables and fruits but man. i want lemons... i want shrimp... i want more lettuce and cauliflower... also i miss planning, or buying things in a normal way. this week i ended up with a lot of vegetables and then got home and realized i had no idea what to do in terms of a cohesive menu with all the random vegetables i got. also a few weeks ago i was able to get collard greens/moroccan's version of kale and it hasn't come back since and it is so sad. i made this delicious and simple dish collards sauteed with a ton of garlic and onions then served on pasta with just a little bit of vinegar and some grated cheese... holy cow. one of the most delicious things i've ever made. i dream of it still. soooo... i'm hoping that i can rekindle the feeling of  fresh, healthy and simple by making fresh spring rolls with peanut sauce tomorrow afternoon.. i think i'm in it to win it because i have beets, carrots, string beans, lettuce, fresh mint, strawberries and tomorrow morning hopefully a cucumber.  I'm also soaking some barley overnight and last week i bought an extra box of oats and a new thing of honey, i got some walnuts and i am going to make some granola! hopefully... this could be great or terrible.

I'm realizing now food is a lot of what i think about. food is so fascinating. We all need to eat it. but it is such a crazy thing. when i was vegan everyone was always up my ass about the food i was or wasn't eating. i like to eat food. it gets me into trouble (read weight gain), it pre-occupies so much of my time.  it's hard not to have an unhealthy relationship with food. during my service i get all feast and famine. one week i eat nothing but popcorn and bread and pasta with cheese sauce. the next i'm making quiche's and juices and salads and getting crazy. I need to be more consistent. so yes.

also there is some weird smell in my bedroom. i'm congested and i had been very unwashed so when i was playing the "what's that smell, and where's it coming from" game i was a contendor but now that i am no longer in the running (having showered and perfumed myself very nicely) i am thoroughly confused and annoyed. i'm beginning to think it's the neighbors. the wall next to my bed leads into my neighbors courtyard where they keep the animals. so i'm hoping that it's that.

so... here's a rambly completely tangential blog post for you all. maybe i'll write a real one tomorrow. or later this week. or something. It's not really an excuse because i'm not actually that busy but in terms of my service this is the busiest i have ever been . i have classes 5 days a week and i've been teaching the women at the women's center how to do bead crochet which has been fun. ok. so later this week i will post pictures of my bead crochet activity, my new mason jar holder i made, as well s maybe some of the food i'm constantly going on about and maybe me cooking in my kitchen. hooray for non committal irrelevant blog posts!