cranky doubt, and frustration

 This is a record breaking week. I’ve decided to write another blog post just for shits and giggles. Mostly bc I want to share with ya’ll how im feeling. As a warning this post might be mildly self deprecating, so apologies.

So a few things. First of all. Today I wore these baggy ass harem pants, a long baggy bathing suit cover up and got tons of compliments. I mean honestly, it is probably one of the frumpiest outfits I have ever put together. But it was a big hit. Now the outfit that I put together yesterday that I thought was super cute… not  a word. Sometimes morocco is so unpredictable.

So as you all may or may not know every week I teach (or attempt to teach) at the student boarding house, where middle and high school aged kids stay during the week if their homes are too far away to commute in to the schools every morning. So. This is a ROUGH group of kids to teach. In my opinion I think a group of teens and pre-teens living together 6 days a week with minimal entertainment or adult supervision is bound to be a recipe for disaster, or at least a weird psychological make up in kid.  The boarding house is like a summer camp without any of the programming, ie just a bunch of kids living on bunkbeds in a room together. The craziest part is that I sought out the work there, no one asked me this year I scheduled myself into this.  Every week I think… it’s going to be easier, it’s going to be a better class, and it never is. Never. I question my judgment, my choices, my ideas, my abilities and my sanity.  Every week I have to fight and fight and fight and deal with non-stop shenanigans. Last week when for the third week running I was telling the middle schoolers they couldn’t come into my class one of them bit my finger. Motherfucker bit my finger, not hard, but still. Then this week he had the balls to tell me I wasn’t at the youth center when his class time is, which I was, I most definitely was. SHENANIGANS! I try to make a habit of not swearing in my classes but sometimes those words just tumble out of me unbidden, because at times there are no other words left.  The thing that does make me feel better is that I’m not the only PCV that has trouble controlling the chaos in the classroom.

 I have tried all sorts of tricks but nothing seems to work. One of the biggest battles is that I have become more strict on when I close the door and don’t let students in anymore, (because come on, you sleep, eat, and study less then 50 feet from the classroom –I  also announce a 2 minute (which is more like 5 minute) warning and a 1 minute warning, and then give another 10 minute lee-way before I close the door, which even taking in account the cultural perception of time here I think is more than generous). But without fail every week the same kids come late, then throw a fit, beg and plead, bang on the closed door, make pouty faces and just generally cause a ruckus and a general disruption. Its become common-place for kids to throw rocks at the thankfully high windows, and this week a girl even managed to break one, good job kid!  For the third week running you came late to class, for the third week running I told you come on time next week, and for the third week running you’ve interrupted the students who were able to come on time. Pain. In. my. Ass.

Also another totally unhelpful thing regarding time is for some unknown reason dinner has moved from 7:30 until 8 and then the kids have barely started eating until 8:15 which means that I’m teaching past 9pm. In my community you never see any ladies out after a certain hour. It is pretty unacceptable or unheard of for a woman to be out alone after a certain time of night unless it’s Ramadan. I wasn’t able to take the girls out of the student house compound  and go 30 feet away to the youth center because they’re girls and the sun is down, or something. I’m not 100% sure why but there’s definitely a culture here about having lady bits and being out after a certain time. I luckily fit into a grey area, because I’m not from morocco, but after a certain time it’s not just that I’m the only woman out and about I’m close to the only person out and a bout. So as a result while I’m pulling out my hair trying to get through a simple lesson, it could possibly effect my reputation around town.

When things get tough in the classroom it’s hard not to question my skills. I’m not an ESL teacher and as a result I’m often making shit up and pulling things out of my ass. I’ve been really up front and clear that I don’t know English grammar, kids say a verb tense or something and I say “I don’t know” “you probably know more then me. It’s legit I’m an English speaker, so that’s what I teach, speaking, listening and writing, not grammar, and I think it’s legit that I don’t know it.  I’ve been really blessed with an amazing and unique set of job opportunities, but in that uniqueness is a little bit its downfall, because besides the stuff I hear from the kids themselves or my co-workers/peers I have had zero feedback or observation on whether or not I’m actually good at what I’m trying to do, namely teaching. When I get stuck in these situations where week after week I’m fighting and trying I can’t help but wonder is it me?

 During my peace corps service it’s been really hard to know whether or not no one is coming because it’s not important to them, or  is it me, am I just a bad teacher? It’s legitimately impossible to know for sure (that is unless when the new volunteer gets here  and she has solid attendance or something, but even then it’s kind of unclear my time here has allowed her to do). With all the time I have to think and think and over-think and re-think and analyze and over-analyze then start over again as it’s easy to get wrapped up in maybe’s,  shoulda, coulda,woulda’s and what ifs- so I’ve tried my best to stop before it spirals out of control, or I harp on anything in particular, because at the end of the day those sorts of thoughts don’t add anything but except negative value to my life. It’s just every week when I leave the student house with a sore throat, tired, frustrated, fed up and not believing an hour can feel so long I can’t help but wonder.

To end on a positive note, while these kids are rough sauce in the structure of the classroom I have a lot of fun hanging out and just talking, or playing games or just being my ridiculous self. I often end up doing “the monkey dance” (as many of us PCVls like to call it, ie someone says dance, and we dance, someone says sing, so we sing etc etc). This place is where I experience some of my most affirming moments in my service. It’s a hard contrast to go from a heart opening, soul warming, and laughter filled afternoon to classroom filled with frustration, anger, and sadness.

So here’s this post, maybe I’ll start updating more often, maybe with just a little bit from my day. My observations etc. 

i found this in my classroom one day a while back, it says "i love you michelle"  so... maybe i'm not all bad ;)

helloooooo!

hello dear blog world.

i have had so many intentions this month for this blog. i had half of a blog post in word and then my hard drive got cranky and when i restarted my computer the document didn't restore.

so for this month i had been wanting to put up a video blog from my trip over a month ago to a waterfall.. that still hasn't happened.

it's been a very religious-kind of month this so far and i've wanted to write about that. still hasn't happened.

i thought it would be fun to do a food/cooking video post and i'm glad that didn't happen because in my attempt to make delicious beet carrot orange juice my blender's engine kicked it and it would have been pretty obvious to you all that my kitchen is pretty sad and i had no idea what i was doing. i have a little extra funds so i'm going to start looking for nicer blender... i wish i could get a food processor, i'm not holding my breath on that one. but i might make a video tomorrow when i do my cooking adventure. we'll see. that might not ever happen either.

I've had a  lot of luck this month and have been able to have great skype converstations/hangouts with friends and family which has been great. I love skype and I really love having internet. I don't know what's going to happen in the summer. it's possible the heat will melt my usb so we'll see.

Tomorrow i'm hoping to tidy up my house some more, and then make a shit ton of food. this week at souk (market) there were a lot of vegetables, i got really really lucky and was able to get LETTUCE! i'm so excited Most of the time I don't mind the things I can and cannot get in terms of vegetables and fruits but man. i want lemons... i want shrimp... i want more lettuce and cauliflower... also i miss planning, or buying things in a normal way. this week i ended up with a lot of vegetables and then got home and realized i had no idea what to do in terms of a cohesive menu with all the random vegetables i got. also a few weeks ago i was able to get collard greens/moroccan's version of kale and it hasn't come back since and it is so sad. i made this delicious and simple dish collards sauteed with a ton of garlic and onions then served on pasta with just a little bit of vinegar and some grated cheese... holy cow. one of the most delicious things i've ever made. i dream of it still. soooo... i'm hoping that i can rekindle the feeling of  fresh, healthy and simple by making fresh spring rolls with peanut sauce tomorrow afternoon.. i think i'm in it to win it because i have beets, carrots, string beans, lettuce, fresh mint, strawberries and tomorrow morning hopefully a cucumber.  I'm also soaking some barley overnight and last week i bought an extra box of oats and a new thing of honey, i got some walnuts and i am going to make some granola! hopefully... this could be great or terrible.

I'm realizing now food is a lot of what i think about. food is so fascinating. We all need to eat it. but it is such a crazy thing. when i was vegan everyone was always up my ass about the food i was or wasn't eating. i like to eat food. it gets me into trouble (read weight gain), it pre-occupies so much of my time.  it's hard not to have an unhealthy relationship with food. during my service i get all feast and famine. one week i eat nothing but popcorn and bread and pasta with cheese sauce. the next i'm making quiche's and juices and salads and getting crazy. I need to be more consistent. so yes.

also there is some weird smell in my bedroom. i'm congested and i had been very unwashed so when i was playing the "what's that smell, and where's it coming from" game i was a contendor but now that i am no longer in the running (having showered and perfumed myself very nicely) i am thoroughly confused and annoyed. i'm beginning to think it's the neighbors. the wall next to my bed leads into my neighbors courtyard where they keep the animals. so i'm hoping that it's that.

so... here's a rambly completely tangential blog post for you all. maybe i'll write a real one tomorrow. or later this week. or something. It's not really an excuse because i'm not actually that busy but in terms of my service this is the busiest i have ever been . i have classes 5 days a week and i've been teaching the women at the women's center how to do bead crochet which has been fun. ok. so later this week i will post pictures of my bead crochet activity, my new mason jar holder i made, as well s maybe some of the food i'm constantly going on about and maybe me cooking in my kitchen. hooray for non committal irrelevant blog posts! 

so... here we are

So peace corps is filled with ups and downs and currently I’m in an upward slant. It’s a combination of finally having work, having work come to me directly and a nice blend of good feelings and mild apathy for the things that I’ve come to accept will not be happening for me here. Apathy may sound like a strong word, but it’s important for me to really be at peace with the things I have available to me for the rest of my service.

A few weeks ago a group of 15 or so boys came to me and asked if I would teach them English three times a week, so that was exciting! I’ve never been approached to do work for someone before, and it’s incredible how different those classes are compared to my other classes where there isn’t a level of commitment or they are there because they feel like they have to be. The latter (the ones who feel like they have to be there) applies to my classes at the student boarding house, they are a tough group of kids- last year was equally as challenging and I was hoping that this year would be easier and after 1 full week of classes it is proving to be equally as difficult. This year is especially challenging because there is a ton of crap in the classroom, so the already small space is now halved. So that’s fun to deal with. Also my youth center has put plywood over all the windows instead of trying to fix them because 75%-85% of the window panes have all been broken.  So now I work in a drug dealers house. It’s kind of annoying because the windows are too high for me to reach so I have to stand on a chair to open them, and I have to open them otherwise my classroom is pitch black, so that’s fun. Luckily I now have all the desks I need, a black board that more or less works, and at least with the windows open it feels nice, breezey and spring-like in there on Saturday afternoons while I wait in vain for my students to arrive.

I also cleaned my house for realsies this week, and as much as I didn’t mind having a messy house/room/kitchen it’s crazy how nice it is to have a clean room. In bad news on that front, part of the reason I was procrastinating on cleaning was because now I feel like I can take a puppy into my house. There’s a little dude that I’ve gotten to know pretty well, I’ve named him Achilles because the poor little muffin has broken back right leg. Because he’s hurt he hasn’t moved in the past week, so every day I get to visit him and say hello and hang out, he’s a bit of a biter but I’m trying to work on that. Today I’m going to see if there’s someone in town who can help him, because I’m not 100% sure what to do. It’s hurting my moral fiber that I can’t just scoop him up and take him to a vet. It’s been inspiring though, Moroccans can be kind of cruel to dogs, throwing rocks at them,  ignoring them, screaming in fear even when they approach them with wagging tails. It ‘confuses me that people think dogs are mean when I’ve seen dogs on the street that have sat calmly while some kids have clearly drawn on them with marker- a mean dog would not let that happen. Anyways. Achilles has been being taken care of and looked after by a lot of the butchers in the area, he always has food, and oftentimes a little bowl for water. It’s nice to see people helping an animal in need, even an animal they don’t particularly care for. The other day I played with Achilles for an hour and one guy was like “you should take him home” and let me tell you- it’s taking a lot of will power for me not to take him in.  Next week I have to travel to Marrakech and we shall see how he’s doing when I get back. 

            I’ve been keeping busy with work and craft projects and soon I will be doing teaching a group of women from my womens center how to make bead crochet bracelets, so that should be good, well hopefully good, and if it’s not good it will be a spectacular failure, which I am ok with. So here’s some pictures of Achilles and me buying carpets.