This is a record breaking week. I’ve decided to write another
blog post just for shits and giggles. Mostly bc I want to share with ya’ll how
im feeling. As a warning this post might be mildly self deprecating, so
apologies.
So a few things. First of all.
Today I wore these baggy ass harem pants, a long baggy bathing suit cover up
and got tons of compliments. I mean honestly, it is probably one of the
frumpiest outfits I have ever put together. But it was a big hit. Now the
outfit that I put together yesterday that I thought was super cute… not a word. Sometimes morocco is so
unpredictable.
So as you all may or may not know
every week I teach (or attempt to teach) at the student boarding house, where
middle and high school aged kids stay during the week if their homes are too
far away to commute in to the schools every morning. So. This is a ROUGH group
of kids to teach. In my opinion I think a group of teens and pre-teens living
together 6 days a week with minimal entertainment or adult supervision is bound
to be a recipe for disaster, or at least a weird psychological make up in
kid. The boarding house is like a
summer camp without any of the programming, ie just a bunch of kids living on
bunkbeds in a room together. The craziest part is that I sought out the work
there, no one asked me this year I scheduled myself into this. Every week I think… it’s going to be
easier, it’s going to be a better class, and it never is. Never. I question my
judgment, my choices, my ideas, my abilities and my sanity. Every week I have to fight and fight
and fight and deal with non-stop shenanigans. Last week when for the third week
running I was telling the middle schoolers they couldn’t come into my class one
of them bit my finger. Motherfucker bit my finger, not hard, but still. Then
this week he had the balls to tell me I wasn’t at the youth center when his
class time is, which I was, I most definitely was. SHENANIGANS! I try to make a
habit of not swearing in my classes but sometimes those words just tumble out
of me unbidden, because at times there are no other words left. The thing that does make me feel better
is that I’m not the only PCV that has trouble controlling the chaos in the
classroom.
I have tried all sorts of tricks but nothing seems to work.
One of the biggest battles is that I have become more strict on when I close
the door and don’t let students in anymore, (because come on, you sleep, eat,
and study less then 50 feet from the classroom –I also announce a 2 minute (which is more like 5 minute)
warning and a 1 minute warning, and then give another 10 minute lee-way before
I close the door, which even taking in account the cultural perception of time
here I think is more than generous). But without fail every week the same kids
come late, then throw a fit, beg and plead, bang on the closed door, make pouty
faces and just generally cause a ruckus and a general disruption. Its become
common-place for kids to throw rocks at the thankfully high windows, and this
week a girl even managed to break one, good job kid! For the third week running you came late to class, for the
third week running I told you come on time next week, and for the third week
running you’ve interrupted the students who were able to come on time. Pain.
In. my. Ass.
Also another totally unhelpful
thing regarding time is for some unknown reason dinner has moved from 7:30
until 8 and then the kids have barely started eating until 8:15 which means
that I’m teaching past 9pm. In my community you never see any ladies out after
a certain hour. It is pretty unacceptable or unheard of for a woman to be out
alone after a certain time of night unless it’s Ramadan. I wasn’t able to take
the girls out of the student house compound and go 30 feet away to the youth center because they’re girls
and the sun is down, or something. I’m not 100% sure why but there’s definitely
a culture here about having lady bits and being out after a certain time. I
luckily fit into a grey area, because I’m not from morocco, but after a certain
time it’s not just that I’m the only woman out and about I’m close to the only
person out and a bout. So as a result while I’m pulling out my hair trying to
get through a simple lesson, it could possibly effect my reputation around
town.
When things get tough in the
classroom it’s hard not to question my skills. I’m not an ESL teacher and as a
result I’m often making shit up and pulling things out of my ass. I’ve been
really up front and clear that I don’t know English grammar, kids say a verb
tense or something and I say “I don’t know” “you probably know more then me.
It’s legit I’m an English speaker, so that’s what I teach, speaking, listening
and writing, not grammar, and I think it’s legit that I don’t know it. I’ve been really blessed with an
amazing and unique set of job opportunities, but in that uniqueness is a little
bit its downfall, because besides the stuff I hear from the kids themselves or
my co-workers/peers I have had zero feedback or observation on whether or not
I’m actually good at what I’m trying to do, namely teaching. When I get stuck
in these situations where week after week I’m fighting and trying I can’t help
but wonder is it me?
During my peace corps service it’s been really hard to know
whether or not no one is coming because it’s not important to them, or is it me, am I just a bad teacher? It’s
legitimately impossible to know for sure (that is unless when the new volunteer
gets here and she has solid
attendance or something, but even then it’s kind of unclear my time here has
allowed her to do). With all the time I have to think and think and over-think
and re-think and analyze and over-analyze then start over again as it’s easy to
get wrapped up in maybe’s,
shoulda, coulda,woulda’s and what ifs- so I’ve tried my best to stop
before it spirals out of control, or I harp on anything in particular, because
at the end of the day those sorts of thoughts don’t add anything but except
negative value to my life. It’s just every week when I leave the student house
with a sore throat, tired, frustrated, fed up and not believing an hour can
feel so long I can’t help but wonder.
To end on a positive note, while
these kids are rough sauce in the structure of the classroom I have a lot of
fun hanging out and just talking, or playing games or just being my ridiculous
self. I often end up doing “the monkey dance” (as many of us PCVls like to call
it, ie someone says dance, and we dance, someone says sing, so we sing etc
etc). This place is where I experience some of my most affirming moments in my
service. It’s a hard contrast to go from a heart opening, soul warming, and
laughter filled afternoon to classroom filled with frustration, anger, and
sadness.
So here’s this post, maybe I’ll
start updating more often, maybe with just a little bit from my day. My observations
etc.
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| i found this in my classroom one day a while back, it says "i love you michelle" so... maybe i'm not all bad ;) |
