Return

It has been several months now since I've returned to america and so far, more or less, it's been good.

Things are still shiny- I still get disproportionally excited about a big delicious cup of coffee or a 2 dollar taco or my beautiful new bra's and all they do for me.

Simultaneously a lot and very little has happened since my return. The holidays happened which were incredible and difficult. Incredible because I finally got to celebrate with family and friends and difficult because they had to live up to the expectations I have built up over 2 years in Morocco.

I got a part time job at a gas station and had to work christmas day, and as a child of school teachers I had no true way to deal with working on a holiday I had always had free my whole life.

I had to quit the part time gas station job because my body doesn't like standing still for 9 hours straight. It was sort of a disappointment. I kind of liked the work. I was busy most of the work day, I got to talk to lots of different people, the cash register was like a real-life Iphone game. I could see myself owning a little corner store like that some day (clearly with a different focus then 99 cent toquito's and frozen pizza's though). Often when I'm home I feel like I have no friends, because I have no social circle that remains here and I just sit at home feeling lonely – working at a place where more or less everyone has to stop meant that I got to see old teachers, classmates and got to make new friends. So on one hand while I continue to nurse my cranky upper back, I am grateful for my time there and I have a new found respect for people who work at places like that, standing all day on stupid mats that are supposed to help- by the way- every other country I've been to lets their tellers sit down.

Some things have been confusing me since being home. I'm not sure how I feel about wearing leggings and nothing over top of them especially in the winter time, though I've found some longer shirts that make me feel less exposed and I will probably jump on that bandwagon.

I am confused by commercials, though the more TV I watch the less ridiculous they seem. However, for the first 2 months commercials felt alien to me. The flashy BS that shows ridiculous juxtapositions between what we should want and how we should look and act confused me. Why do we need all this stuff? I will admit, though, that I watched some of the super bowl commercials the other day online- it's absurd how quickly these 30 second to 1 minute absurdities hawking cars and soda's and banks and a plethora of superfluous shenanigans become normal.

I don't know if this has been a natural progression for me or if I just expect more from my country after being in a country with so little infrastructure and work for its 'common man'; but one of the things that has been most upsetting and difficult for me to understand is what people are willing to do and not do for their jobs. I am having a lot of trouble understanding why a community of workers would accept not taking lunch breaks or smoke breaks or why we as a society accept how little some people are paid and how much they are expected to work. This year people had to choose between spending Thanksgiving with their families or making extra money and working at a box store so we consumers could get “good deals” a few hours earlier. WTF. I'm confused why there is so little opportunities for people to work and get paid enough to survive and why we still accept that sick people should have to go bankrupt to get the care they need. This is a whole other topic entirely but I'm also confused why people don't realize that big change takes time and is going to be messy (this is specifically in regards to the health care system that is being overhauled through the affordable care act).

America isn't so different from when I left it- sure the cracker aisle of the supermarket looks pretty different, there's more types of Arizona Iced tea but I think as a whole I feel like I'm back - capital “H”- Home. I love the Berkshires and the things the people of this community are working to achieve. I go to a monthly barter market, I've met young farmers and homesteaders, young professionals and motivated community builders, there's beautiful and welcoming public spaces and delicious restaurants with thoughtful menus, open mic nights and contra dances. It seems to me that at least here people are working towards things I value- community, sustainability, and building up local products and traditions. I love the Berkshires- to me it seems like the perfect middle ground between country and city- there's hiking, and lots of nature but there's still concert venues, an arts and entertainment industry and you can easily get to metropolitan area's by bus or train. I don't know if I'll ever truly be able to afford to live here full time- but we'll see.

I do miss Morocco a lot- I miss having my own house, I miss my town being a compact little thing that means I can walk everywhere. As much as I love having all the groceries I could want available to me all the time I miss my weekly souk and buying vegetables by the kilo and walking home with them in my hiking pack. I miss how connected I felt to people. I miss the freedom of interacting with people on my own time, instead of theirs. I miss my site mate, my stajmates, my Peace corps and moroccan friends, I miss the sunsets and the mountains and public transportation.

I do not miss doing laundry by hand, being cold inside during the winter and having to feel anxiety about how I dressed and how I interacted with men. I love the individual freedoms I have here and how I can express myself how I choose once again- I love talking about things like hetero normative values and environmental sustainability. I love the familiarity and history I have with people and old friends and how easy it is to talk to people. I love the value Americans give to independences and uniqueness and creativity. I'm totally adrift about what I want to do and how I want to fit in here long term- but I am really thankful to be home.

Here's some pictures of my last few months being home and how I feel about America:

Beer and Iphones- AMERICA! 

Goodnight Moon! America appreciates literature

individual freedoms- we have them. 

mom and I had a table at a craft fair- we sold very little, but it was fun to be in my elementary school and see local people I used to see often. 

New york city in the snow- pretty awesome. 

new years day hike with good friends. 

snow is my favorite. It is gorgeous here. I'm getting to go cross country skiing once again! 

live music? heck yes!! Gandalf Murphy and the Slambovian Circus of Dreams less then 30 minutes from my house. 

thanksgiving!

So as you all know I kind of live in the middle of nowhere, this past week 2 peace corps staff came to my site to do the groundwork for the possibility of me getting another volunteer here in april which should be exciting. Anyways while we were waiting the one guy commented “we just kept driving and driving and I was like, she really lives out in the middle of nowhere!” the only time it bothers me is if I actually had a emergency situation. When I broke my foot last march I couldn’t tell if I was freaking out because I was hurt or because I lived so far away from legit medical care and the process of getting to a hospital isn’t exactly fun- but 9 times out of 10 I love living somewhere so far away from cities. It’s quiet and the stars are better then anyplace i've ever been before. But because I live so far out in the bled (country) no one ever visits which is really just a shame for the pcv community because I love hosting and cooking for people, and im a pretty decent cook . So… because I live so far away from everyone I laid the groundwork early for my favorite holiday ever… thanksgiving. I may or may not have told everyone and started planning the menu in june. Ooops. Let’s just say I had a lot of time on my hands this summer, and I wanted to make sure no one had an excuse for not making it to my house. So having more or less threatened everyone in june that they had to come to my house for thanksgiving November finally rolled around and thus my dreams were realized.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday ever. Let me tell you why, it’s like Christmas but without what I like to call the present pressure. Thanksgiving contains good food, good music, good people, good wine or beer (or in the case of morocco any wine or beer) and no other expectations…. No expectations except for full bellies and good company. When I was younger my family used to go to Chincoteague Island and rent a cottage and just hang out for 3 or so days. I loved it. We all sat around, hung out, drove around the nature preserve saw some awesome little ponies, cheated at board games and just enjoyed each other’s company (one year our dog had just recently had a litter of puppies so we brought all 10 tiny little guys with us! So much fun). My fondest family memories are often pulled up from the times we spent there, it’s also one of the few times my whole family got together at the same time. Over the years my uncle took charge of thanksgiving and as always there is a superfluous amount of food and really fun music. I wanted to carry the family tradition of over-doing it over here in morocco. And while we didn’t have as much left-overs as I was anticipating I think everyone was very satisfied and full.

I was really hoping to have an all-american sort of thanksgiving, a flash back to home. On my trip home in august i had funding, baggage and timing issues and didnt manage to bring back with me all the things i had originally intended. But i got really lucky and have 2 friends who have an American bank account and they generously got American commodities shipped over (ie cream of mushroom soup, stuffing mix, cranberry sauce, marshmallows and of course libby’s pumpkin pie mix) i feel so lucky that we all got to have such a taste of home. I was also really lucky that my host family generously let me borrow their propane gas oven, because my microwave size electric oven would not have accommodated our menu. The only weird thing about the dinner was that we didn’t succeed in obtaining a turkey, as a vegetarian I have no idea what kind of meat is available here in my site, so we made do with a full chicken, no one complained.

At times my kitchen felt a little small, but it was worth it to feel like my house was full, i think people enjoyed themselves and it was a really nice change from cooking alone in my kitchen and sharing my meal with episodes of the office and parks and rec. My lovely friends who got the stuff shipped for us (Lauren and Justin) came up a day early with their food cache and a bunch of stuff from their kitchen. i've never cooked so much food for so many people. realistically this was the biggest kitchen undertaking i've ever done and i think it turned out really well. everyone was full and happy and I barely had to do any of the dishes (which to be honest is my favorite thing about cooking for other people ).

I find I get a huge amount of emotional satisfaction from cooking and hosting for other people. To me food is the craft that everyone appreciates. I used to make home made presents for people all the time (ie bracelets, necklaces, crocheted things etc) and while i try and tailor gifts to the people i'm giving them to,  I can tell sometimes that I am handing someone something they will never use, it will sit on their dresser for a few years out of guilt and then they’ll either give it away or sell it at a tag sale or something. Food however, unless you have allergies or some kind of disorder is something that everyone appreciates. I love making something delicious and fun and then serving it to people. I have a dream of someday hosting dinner parties around an outdoor fire pit or something. Le sigh.

So in short thanksgiving was both wonderful and successful and I’m so proud of the hard work Lauren and I did cooking it. Huzzah.

In other non-food related news I’ve theoretically started at my youth center. Even with all the leg work and publicity I did in the weeks leading up to it I still had pitiful (read next to no) attendance. Just like last year I know patience and perseverance is key. I also have an ace in the hole with this new sports association who may or may not be doing some publicity for me to do another class later in the evening? I’m not 100% sure- meetings always have the possibility of mis-communication and lost in translation. But, I’m excited to have new work partners and a group of fun, motivated young men who like me and seem to have my back in a totally appropriate way.  Nothing else really exciting to report.

That’s all for now…. But! If any of you are like… wow… I haven’t seen or talked to michelle in so long,… or wow! It’s so close to Christmas I should send michelle a present because she’s so awesome my list is short. Yarn for crocheting stuff (more then 1 skein so as to ensure there is the possiblitiy of completing a project) anything pumpkin flavored, peanut butter,  mac and cheese, any kind of salty snack and if you’re feeling super fancy the stowaway backpack from llbean (in green). Wow. I sure do beg a lot on this blog… sorry guys. I hope you are all doing well and staying warm.

the lovely lauren working hard

our kitchen assistants! lucia and justin

first course of deviled eggs, home made bread, ranch dip and pumpkin soup with coconut milk 

thanksgiving dinner!  green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole, stuffing, onion gravy, veggie quiche, garlic mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce and chicken! 

serving dinner

desert of pumpkin and apple pies

eating desert

so much delicious food!  

AMURICAH!!!

So I figure it’s probably about time that I update my blog considering it’s been a significant period of time.

Part of the reason I have been so absent is I just returned from my 20 day adventure back to America. My trip to America in one sentence you ask? FUCKING AWESOME. And sorry I try not to swear too much here but it was just hands down great. You know that saying you don’t know what you have until it’s gone? Well nothing like living in Morocco for close to a year to help you realize how great your home is.

Things I love about the states:

-       Family. There is no one who understands you better- it was wonderful to see my family again.

-       Friends- they helped me remember who I was and who I like to be and just smiles and hugs and awesomeness

-       The smell- America smells like heaven. Like a perfume I know it sounds weird but new England in august is just full of delicious natural smells. I could not stop obsessing about it.

-       The way people talk about academic subjects and appreciate art and theater

-       The sensations of pure joy- from things such as driving, being in a canoe, swimming, hiking, being able to dance and sing wherever/whenever I want, feeling liberated and free in ways I didn’t even realize I was limited in. etc etc. the list can go on

-       TREES!!! I love trees so much. I feel like a missing piece was returned when I laid on the grass and looked at the trees of my backyard or heard the wind sway the leaves. I got to go on an amazing hike at Bartholomew’s Cobble back home and there is some sort of magic under trees. The way the light looks, the way you feel as a person. I definitely belong in the forest.

-       Food and Drinks- something I said to people while I was home when I was asked what I missed most one of my first responses is always “a casual drink”. Which I now realize makes me sound kind of like an alchy… but for reals. When you live in a culture where the majority of people don’t drink and drinking is reserved for the seedy underbelly of society you always end up drinking straight crap behind closed doors. The relationship most Americans have with alcohol is so different then Moroccans and PCVs. So yeah. A beer that was brewed locally or a glass of wine with dinner that doesn’t taste like apple cider vinegar’s 3^rd cousin once removed is nice. Also coffee, there’s no 20oz to go iced blueberry coffee’s here. One shot of espresso with milk? Sure… but man. Latte’s iced coffee… yum.

I realize that the bigger paragraphs are not about the people I love, and mostly about random and slightly awkward things but it’s hard to sum up just how great friends and family are- sure I have friends here and a Moroccan family but to give you an indication on how different I can be here- a lot of Moroccans think I’m a quiet person. HAHAHAHA… you and I both know better.  So what else…. Well you already know that my trip was great. At first I was a little worried that I had booked myself at home for too long but it was the perfect amount of time. I’m sorry that I didn’t get to see everyone but things worked out magically for those who I did get to see . It’s like the universe placed people up and down 95 just so I could see them easily. Also it was so magical to be part of my dearest friend Tina’s wedding- I realize while the whole events of the wedding unfolded that I honestly know more about Moroccan weddings then I do about American ones… ooops. I still had a lot of fun, loved seeing my lovely SMC people who I do not see enough and I would not have missed that wedding for the world.

Being back in morocco is… weird. As I told a few people before I left going back this time was WAY harder then coming here the first time. When I got here a year ago the world was my oyster I had no ideas of what I was going to encounter, I had no experience here, not a whole lot of expectations it was all fresh and new and exciting. This time around I knew what I was going back to… for better or worse. Peace corps hands out this graph in our medical book broken down into stages of our service and it doesn’t help my case that months 11-14 are called “mid-service crisis”. Not that I’m letting that piece of paper determine my emotional state, but just like when I was a roatary exchange student it’s not too far off the mark. So not only did I go home at the beginning of this ‘crisis’ I came straight back to it. (For those of you at home, don’t worry, it’s mostly a crisis of insecurities about my first year of service, uncertainty about the year ahead which it totally normal peace corps emotions. I’m all good- it’s just another step in the process). But since I’ve been back I’ve actually welcomed (for once) the back to back trainings that have happened. First there was the  Berber/Tamazight language training where I finally got some formal berber undersanding which should hopefully give me street cred in my site.  Now I’m in Marakesh, sharing some of my ideas for artistic projects that could be done here in Morocco. Being around Americans has been a great way to slowly ease my way back into my Moroccan life.

So that’s it for now. I don’t have anything exciting lines up for the immediate future. I hope you all enjoyed my little rant for the time being. Here’s some pictures of my trip home. Enjoy! 

swimming at umpachenne falls

my mom at the falls 

i love swings

i called this my "america " picture. driving with my iphone, showing some skin and drinking an iced coffee. aaah life is good. 

the colors of the summer

picking basil for pesto and talking to morocco via fb chat

grandma and her dog jerry

some nature at the cobble

my favorite tree- the sycamore

voodoo donuts in portland! yum

two of my favorite girls at stumptown in portland

bem, me and the bride! at the bachelorette party

smc theater girls and uncle jpd!

being ridiculous at the bridal after party