resolutions and being a girl.. or something.

As we arrive at new years once again (which for the record is one of my least favorite holidays) I have a lot of things on my mind. I love going online and seeing best of posts on all the different sites I check out and looking back articles that circulate this time of year. Then there’s also those resolutions and everyone’s advice and ideas and how to keep them etc etc. I love and hate the idea of resolutions. I feel like 90% of ladies always make their resolutions “I’m going to eat less, workout more and lose weight”. I’d be lying to you if that wasn’t on my list as well. I always have problems with this idea. As a feminist I want to sit here and say things like I love your body, love the skin your in etc etc. as a self-hating low self esteem chubby girl in the modern era I want to say things like the only people who say shit like that are people who are already skinny or use it as a justification for their weight. I can’t decide where I stand. I’m constantly torn between reality and my angry brain-mess, which is how I’m sure a lot of people feel. On one hand I do believe everyone should love themselves and feel comfortable in their bodies. But it’s also really easy to love the skin your in when everyone finds you sexy and classically beautiful. For the rest of us outliers, it’s kind of a free for all. The media (which is so easy to blame) shoves skinny bitches down our throat and magazines show us tiny twigs and call people skinny ladies curvy. Adele, she’s curvy, Jennifer Hudson was curvy (and personally I liked her before all the weight loss) but that’s just about it most “plus size models” are barely size 12 get real…. Not all of us are blessed in the chest with tiny waists and junk in the trunk. Some of us are less curvy and more cottage cheese in a pair of panty hose. But I digress what I’m trying to say is… there is still this idea/standard of beauty for what is acceptable in curvy ladies.

Something I like about morocco is how liberating it is sometimes to not be thinking about how I look. People want and expect me to wear loose fitting clothes 2 sizes too big, mumu’s and actively under-emphasize my body. It doesn’t take much to be sexy to men here; you’re an American woman! Instant win….  Doesn’t matter how I look honestly, also I do dress differently then women here, because if I didn’t I would go crazy. Women here are mostly bigger, junk in the trunk curvy ladies, who constantly insist on calling me fat. Yeah. So on one hand, yay! I get to wear comfy clothes all day, but then they turn around and call me fat. Wtf. To be honest though, people say “you’re fat in this picture” in the same way someone in the states might say “your hair looks long in this picture”. It’s not so much an insult. Or at least I hope it isn’t…

On the flip side of being able to wear xxl t-shirts and feeling legit is that some days I just feel unattractive and dumpy and the day in day out of pj wearing makes me feel trashy and sad. I would love to pull out my big girl bra, throw on a fun dress put on make up and feel sexy. If wore a sexy outfit around my site I think I would be run out of town, and adversely if I wore a sexy outfit in a city like Marrakech I would probably be harassed to the point of tears. So long story short it’s not worth it.

Being in a country without constant media bombardment, access to television and hit or miss internet has made me kind of complacent about my body. I don’t have a mirror in my house. I don’t go clothes shopping often (therefore avoiding seeing my full form in three mirrors in fitting rooms), I don’t feel like I need to impress anyone and I don’t have any reason to ever dress up. Another thing that I like about morocco is how little access I have to junk food. Sometimes when I travel I treat myself to some Pringles and snickers, but really all I eat in the way of heavily processed food is laughing cow triangle cheese, which in the grand scheme of things isn’t the worst thing for you. As a result of these things I have become sort of complacent about my weight and my health. I do teach an aerobics class 4 times a week (depending on if people come) so that means I’m a tiny bit active but to be honest I have never been so inactive in my life. I hate to admit it but I’m a gym person, so I find it difficult to motivate myself without having a designated time and place to work out. I know I like working out, I know I like being active, I can tell my body is unhappy, and my muscles have all turned to mush, but I’ve just become kind of lazy. So this is where I come back around to the resolution thing. I think at the end of the day a resolution shouldn’t be about losing weight or looking better, I think it’s best if it’s about being healthy and being better. Love the skin you’re in if you feel like you deserve  it- right now I feel like I don’t.

So here are my resolutions
-       eat better/as many veggies as possible
-       finish all craft projects I start
-       do well in teaching my classes
-       be the best I can and enjoy my time here in morocco, because I know the time will fly.
-   read more

As you, dear readers, are deciding on your resolutions I would recommend doing either broad “ways to better my life” items or really specific and achievable goals. Ladies, you’re not going to lose 30 lbs by march…. Or at least you shouldn’t… guys. You’re not going to look like a calvin klein model by march either. At the end of the day a resolution should be something you can realistically do for 12 months. My friend lucia gives each year a definer, she does it on her birthday, but you could do it on new years if you want. This is my year of doing more. You could do the year of adventure, the year of introspection, the year of me, the year of love… whatever you want! Just use it as a way to push yourself to be better and maybe do different things.

So.. that is all for now. I have internet for 2 months, because there was a promotion that gave me 2 months for the price of 1… it’s very exciting. So… feel free to email me/skype me/chat me… I’ll be around!